I had a little think (okay it was a big think), over the past two weeks about my little "Femininity VS Feminism" series. And I spent one night, with ideas whizzing madly around my head. Name change was on the agenda. So, I have decided to call it "Versus", keeping the comparisons the same but then I can talk about any topic versus another. I hope you like this rebrand...
PLEASE NOTE THAT EVERYTHING IS VERY PERSONAL, I would appreciate it if you respected my opinions and faith, but feel free to ask any questions. And, I am always here for you :). There is ALWAYS someone there.
First and foremost, for a long time I learned to call myself a Christian. Whichever way I look at it, I learned it. But even at the age of fourteen/fifteen, when I confirmed myself as a Christian, I knew I wanted to be one. I always listened in church; okay, I selectively listened until I actually started to want to have conversations about God.
The anxiety battle began in Year 11 - putting that label on it makes it sound dramatic, but for me, at the time, it was dramatic. As everyone who has been through high school knows, Year 11 is the year when you suddenly realise, you spent far too much time joking around the years before. I'm not quite sure if it was obvious; I always used to put on a brave face and go to school - even if I looked, and felt, like a zombie. Like everyone does, I hated telling my teachers at school. I felt like I was failing them, not just myself. I mounted the pressure up on myself, in my head. Looking back, I think it's what we do as humans. We build everything up inside till we are about to burst.
I owe a lot to my mum, my true rock. Although at the time, I put her through so much - I didn't want to disappoint her. But, I was scaring myself. Faith wise, I remember my mum coming into my room and just saying, "say the Lord's Prayer over and over until you fall asleep". A little moment of hope in the darkness.
I got help, but it never really "went away". I learned that nothing can be fixed quickly and in a rush,
During, Year 11, at the back of my mind during all my "anxious moments", I was excited for my school's mission trip to Brazil. After everything that happened that year, I knew I would be going on one of the most precious experiences in my life. During said trip, I actually started to get what God can do. And since then, starting going to youth group and a different church, I feel like I'm learning at the right stage for me.
Life is a battle of self-belief. And since opening up my heart a bit more, to my friends and family, and now on Kulayrosas, I realise I'm just another one with a "story", and it's okay to have a "story". But with faith, no matter what faith you have or even if you don't believe in a God of any kind, you can keep going.
